The TempestXtreme Talk Show - Season Three!
by TempestXtreme
Summary: The insanity continues! This time, Xellos really is gone! Rated PG for language.
1. Default Chapter

**The TempestXtreme Talk Show – Season Three!**

**Episode One: Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! (I shit you not!)**

**By TempestXtreme**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own characters.**

**(I'm also experimenting with a new style of writing for this show. If you like it, please say so!)**

Rebecca ripped the stage door off of its hinges and stormed on stage, and _glared _at the audience. "If I hear _one _wolf whistle from the males or _one _threat from the females today, I will personally strap you down to those benches and force you to watch all kinds of children's shows, got it?!"

Crickets chirped. "Good." Rebecca smiled suddenly. "Welcome to the TempestXtreme Talk Show! Here's your host, Tempest!"

Warily, Tempest came out on stage (he had seen what had happened to the frame of the door when Rebecca had ripped it off), and seeing that his wife wasn't going to berserk on him, he smiled and waved at the terrified audience. "Hello and welcome to my show! Today, we're interviewing various people from books, Video Games and animes!" 

He cast a wary glance towards his wife, who was busying herself with chasing the newest member of staff around with a clipboard. _What's WITH her? _Turning back to the audience, he grinned and took a deep breath. 

"Here's our first guest, the beautiful, yet deadly Sophitia from _Soul Blade!_" 

Sophitia walked on stage, her blonde hair shining in the lights…

"Somebody turn the studio lights down! That woman's hair is blinding me!!" Rebecca shouted, grinning at the 18-year-old Greek Warrior.

Sophitia glared at her. "Nice to see you again too, Rebecca," she said. Then she saw Tempest and smiled, her blue eyes lighting up. "Hello Tempest!"

"Hi, Sophitia," Tempest replied out of pure politeness (he didn't miss Rebecca's twitch when Sophitia smiled sweetly at him) _Honestly, being jealous of a teenager…_

"Welcome to the show," he said as the girl sat down. He didn't miss the way she crossed her legs – neither did Rebecca.

Tempest blinked as the tossed food trolley slammed into Sophitia. _Ouch, that must've hurt…_ He glanced at the stage manager, who sighed and cut to a commercial.

*-*-*-*-*

While the commercials were running, a certain sorceress was planning mischief.

"Cut ME from the show, do they? Well let's see how they like this! _Arise, my dark servants of doom! Arise and destroy all my enemies!" _

Rinoa cackled as the spell took effect – giving her a bunch of man-sized tomatoes. "What the?! That idiot gave me _tomato seeds?!_"

*-*-*-*-*

"Welcome back to our show!" Tempest said, grinning at the audience. "Here's our next…guest…?"

He trailed off as 16 man-sized red tomatoes marched on stage and started attacking the stage crew and the audience. "What the…?" he began. 

And then he saw who was behind it. 

"Rinoa?!" 

"BWAHAHA! You cut me from the show! Now you pay! Get them, my vegetable army!" Rinoa broke into a bout of insane cackling as her Tomato army swarmed the stage. Amazingly, they could speak.

"We are the mighty Red Tomato Army! Surrender or be devoured!"

Tempest rolled his eyes. _Just what I need to start off the third season of my show…_ "ACK!" 

He jumped to the side, barely avoiding getting bitten by a red tomato, and then sounds of insane cackling drew his attention to the center of the stage, where Rebecca was cutting the tomatoes into slices, while shouting something about French salad.  _My wife's gone nuts! Then again, that looks like fun!_

Grinning madly, Tempest reached into a portal and pulled out a battleaxe – a Dwarven battleaxe – and started making French salad out of the tomatoes. 

"Down with the vegetables!"

"We don't need you!"

The voices came from behind them, and Tempest and Rebecca looked back just in time to see a golden-haired, golden-eyed female Elf rush onstage, waving her sword around like a madwoman. She was followed by a tall male Elf with dark hair and blue eyes wearing white robes and carrying an Elven Long Sword. _This show just got even more insane. _He paled when he saw the auras of power surrounding the two Elves. _Oh crap._ "Don't do the Dragon Slave! I just had this place remodelled!"

Of course, they didn't do the Dragon Slave. Oh no, they did something far more destructive.

_"Darkest night, reddest blood, deepest void! I call upon thee, oh powerful Lord of Nightmares! Grant thy awesome power in my hands! Grant me the power to vanquish our foes!! OMEGA SLAVE!!!"_

Oh crap… 

Tempest barely had time to raise a shield around the people in the studio before the massive spell hit the Red Tomato Army, the shockwave of the spell pounding against the shields that Tempest had risen around everyone…and making the Tomatoes resemble something akin to red gunk. _Damn, and I just had the place redone too! _"Danielle! Grylock!"

The Bonded Elves simply gave him their most innocent smiles. "Yes?"

 Sighing, Tempest turned to the rather pale audience. "That's all for today. Join us next time, same time same channel…"

"But different studio," Rebecca said, looking around at the ruins of the studio. "I never realised just how powerful I made that spell."

As the screen faded out, Tempest started to bang his head against the ruins of one of the studio walls, stopping when it crumbled to dust. _I just can't win…_

Hahaha…The End! ^_^ 


	2. Episode Two

**The TempestXtreme Talk Show! – Episode Two!**

**Look out! Lina and Tempest are having it out on stage!!**

**By TempestXtreme**

**Disclaimer: Tempest, Rebecca, Danielle and Grylock are MINE, y'hear me?! Mine! Mine! MIIIIIIINE!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!**

Rebecca calmly walked on stage and smiled at the audience – and threw a chair at the first male who wolf-whistled. The reason? Not only was Rebecca looking as sexy as ever, but also the outfit she was wearing turned heads. She was wearing red hot pants, red boots, a red leather tank top and red gloves – her new favourite outfit. Oh, she didn't mind when Tempest ogled her, he was her husband, but when some strange male ogled her, that's when she got mad. 

"Welcome to the TempestXtreme Talk Show! Here's your host, Tempest!" she said, swinging her arm around to point at Tempest just as he walked onto the stage.

"Hello and welcome to my show!" Tempest said, smiling broadly. He saw the KO'd audience member and the dented chair in front of him. _I warned Rebecca what would happen if she wore that outfit…not that I'm complaining…_

He shook himself out of the rather hentai-ish thoughts he was having and turned back to the audience. "Today, we don't know who we're interviewing! It's a Mystery Guest Episode!" 

 Rebecca looked at her husband and sighed. "This is going to be insane, I just know it."

Tempest smirked and signalled for a commercial break.

*-*-*-*-*-*

During the commercial, the first 'Mystery Guest' arrived. She was a young sorceress with brown hair and dark eyes. 

*-*-*-*-*-*

"ACK! Get that thing out of my face!" Rebecca shoved the camera out of her face, sending it and its operator crashing to the floor. "Oops, sorry!" 

"Welcome back to our show!" Tempest had noticed what had just happened – you'd have to be blind not to – and managed not to laugh. "Here is our first guest…" 

Tempest trailed off when he saw Lina Inverse walk on stage. _Uh oh…_

"Hello Tempest," Lina said. "Where's that bitch wife of yours?"

Rebecca's head snapped up at the sound of the voice. Her eyes narrowed and she drew her sword. "_Bitch wife?!_" she screamed, the volume of her screech shaking the studio down to its foundations. "HOW DARE YOU?! I'LL MAKE YOU WISH THAT WE HAD NEVER MET!!"

"Go ahead and try, BITCH!" Lina closed her eyes and focused her powers. "_Lord of Dreams that terrify, sword of the cold, dark void; free yourself from heaven's bonds! Become one with my power, one with my body and let us walk the path of destruction together!_" Her eyes snapped open as she finished the spell, a look of complete hatred on her face. "_RAGNA BLADE!_"

Grasping the sword of darkness in her hands, Lina leapt towards Rebecca, intent on slicing her in half…

…only to gasp in surprise as another Ragna Blade blocked her own. She looked up in shock, her dark gaze meeting with Tempest's sea blue one. "Touch my wife and you'll pay for it." 

Lina laughed. "You think you can stop me?"

Tempest banished his Ragna Blade and slammed his fist into her stomach, winding her and forcing her to banish her own Ragna Blade. She coughed and stepped back, recovering quickly and glaring at him. "You have no idea who you're dealing with." She rose her hands in front of her, and smirked. "_Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows. Buried in the flow of time... In thy great name, I pledge myself to darkness! Let the fools who stand before us be destroyed by the power you and I possess! DRAGON SLAVE!_"

However, at the exact moment that Lina unleashed the spell, Tempest had called upon his own powers. Grey wings appeared on his back, and turned black and changed from feather to a type of material called Laconium. He grabbed Rebecca and closed his wings around them, forming a powerful defence against the spell. The explosion rocked the entire studio right down to its foundations, the anti-magick shields barely able to hold together as the spell attempted to rip everything within the blast radius apart… 

But, while the Dragon Slave was tearing at them, Tempest started his own incantation…

"_Darkest night, reddest blood, deepest void! I call upon thee, oh powerful Lord of Nightmares! Grant thy awesome power in my hands! Grant me the power to vanquish our foes!!_" 

Tempest opened his wings and pushed Rebecca aside as he threw his hands forward and finished the destructive Chaos spell. "_OMEGA SLAVE!"_

*-*-*-*-*

"Lina? You OK?" 

Lina opened her eyes slowly. Everything was blurry, as if she were staring out of a mist. _Why do I feel like I've been hit with both the Dragon Slave and the Giga Slave?_

"Lina! You're OK!" 

Lina looked up and blinked. "Zelgadis?"

The chimera nodded. "Thank goodness Tempest didn't use a full power Omega Slave on you – you'd be nothing but ashes."

"Omega Slave? What's that?"

Zelgadis shrugged. "You should ask Rebecca that – she created the spell."

Lina sat up sharply. "Rebecca?! SHE created that spell?! Where is she?"

"Oh be quiet, I've got a headache…" Rebecca walked into the room and glared at Lina. "The last thing I need are your smart-mouthed comments."

Lina glared right back. "What is the Omega Slave?"

"The combined powers of the Dragon Slave and the Giga Slave."

Lina's jaw dropped, and the colour drained from her face. "You combined the Dragon Slave with a spell that calls on the power of the Lord of Nightmares?! ARE YOU INSANE!?"

"I'm starting to wonder about that myself." Tempest walked into the room, grinning when Rebecca sent a Death Glare at him. "What?"

Rebecca glared at him some more. "Smart-mouthed males…" she muttered, turning and stalking out of the room. "And send that little bitch back to her universe before I throw her through a wall!!"

If Zelgadis hadn't restrained her, Lina would have thrown a fireball at Rebecca. "That little…" she muttered. She forced herself out of Zelgadis' grip and glared at him. "Fine, I'll go."

Tempest sighed and opened a portal directly underneath the sorceress, chuckling when she glared at him as she fell through. "You OK, Zel?"

The chimera nodded. "I'll live."

"Give my regards to the others."

"I will…Chicken-boy."

"Oh shut up before I summon a Light Blade!"

Zel gulped and leapt into a portal, leaving Tempest to chuckle. "Wuss."

**The End!**


	3. Episode Three ^_^

**The TempestXtreme Talk Show!**

**Just 'cause she's pregnant doesn't mean you can insult her**

**By TempestXtreme**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own characters**

Rebecca walked out on stage wearing…a maternity dress. The audience, though surprised, knew better than to say anything.

Well, except one woman. "Gees, you two have been busy haven't you?"

She got fireballed.

Three times.

Sighing, Rebecca turned back to the three magick-users behind her. Well, four really. Marrin just stood there, chuckling.

"Oh do be quiet," Rebecca said, glaring at them. "You guys didn't have to fireball her you know!"

"Our personal life is none of her business," Tempest said.

"She shouldn't insult a pregnant woman!" That came from Danielle.

"She should show respect for royalty!" Grylock said, crossing his arms across his chest. 

_Yes, O loyal subject._ "Marrin, go Heal her." 

Marrin glared. "Why?" she asked, wincing when her mother glared straight back. _Being pregnant hasn't made her any less tough. _"Fine, fine. I'm going…"

Marrin went off to Heal the crispy woman. Everybody else avoided her, cowering away as she _glared _at them. Rebecca sighed as the stage manager finally signalled that they were on air. _At least nobody saw that little incident. Granted that the ratings would've gone up. Great, I'm sounding like a T.V. executive!_

"Welcome to the TempestXtreme Talk Show! Here's your host, Tempest!" 

Tempest walked on stage, smiled, and waved to the audience. "Hello and welcome to our show! Today we're interviewing people from _Angel_! Here's our first guest, Angel!"

As the crowd clapped, Angel ran on stage, barely able to avoid the 20 Flare Arrows that Danielle and Grylock sent his way. He blinked when they struck the invisible shields surrounding the studio, causing them to shake violently. _I'd better not insult those two again…_He sat down and smiled at Tempest. "You need control those two."

"How? They're not my subjects. They're from Trivadia, but the Elves rule themselves and answer only to their laws." Tempest waved a hand dismissively. "Anyway, welcome to my show."

Angel nodded. "Good to be here," he said, casting a wary look back at the two Elves backstage. Danielle glared at him and held up a fireball. _Uh… _"There's another way out of this studio, right?" 

"Danielle and Grylock are standing in front of it."

"Crap."

Tempest chuckled and readied his questions. "First question. Why did you buy that hotel as your base of operations?"

Angel shrugged. "It was perfect, lots of rooms, plenty of shadows to hide under when it was daylight. Besides, I had just destroyed a spirit demon that had been living there. I felt I needed _some _kind of reward."

Tempest raised an eyebrow. "Right."

"What? You don't believe me?" Angel glared at him. Tempest just shrugged.

"Well, I figured that you could have hidden plenty of blood stashes in the place."

Angel sputtered. "WHAT?!"

"Oh come on! You're a vampire! Soul or no soul you still have to drink blood!"

Angel sputtered some more. _He's good. _"So what if I do?"

"Is any of it human blood?"

"No!" Angel was getting annoyed. "If you must no it's animal blood, mostly from cows and pigs."

"So THAT'S what happened to all of my farm animals!"

A rather annoyed looking man stormed on stage an proceeded to beat Angel into the floorboards with a spade. "YOU KILLED MY COWS! MY CHICKENS! MY PIGS!"

Angel got up, covered in bruises and cuts. "WOULD YOU STOP THAT?!" 

Thus he got hit by a Freeze Bleed spell. "D-damn that's c-c-c-cold…"

Tempest burst out laughing, and the stage manager cut to commercials. As the screen faded out…

"Somebody get some tranquillisers!"

"No!"

"Hey Frank! Look out for the…"

_WHAM! CRASH!!_

"…Flying camera. REBECCA!"

"He deserved it!"

"Oh gods…"

*-*-*-*-*

While the commercials were running, Tempest opened a portal back to Los Angeles for a still cold Angel. "Sorry that Danielle gave you the cold shoulder."

Angel groaned and stepped into the portal. "That wasn't funny."

"Just go before I Gaav Flare you."

Grumbling, Angel stepped into the portal…and right into thin air. "Uh oh."

_CRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAASH!!_

"Angel! You OK??!"

"Yeah, Wesley, I'm fine." Angel glared up at the still open portal, blinking. "Um…find some cover."

"Why?"

Seconds later, the entire lobby of the hotel was plastered in bright, bright silver. Thus, all of the sunlight was reflected off of the walls. "ACK!" Angel ducked into a still-shadowed room and screamed up at the portal. "TEMPEST I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!" He sighed when a hand came through the portal and gave him the one-finger salute. 

"Who's Tempest?"

"A maniac with a sadistic sense of humour."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

"That was cruel."

"But it was the dust bunnies' idea!" Tempest chuckled before bursting out into insane laughter. Rebecca sighed.

_He's insane. But then again, that's one of the reasons I love him! _Rebecca also burst out laughing.

The audience sat in silent terror as this show of insanity ended

**The End! ^_^**


	4. Eppy 4

**The TempestXtreme Talk Show! **

The Return of a certain insane Elf ^_^ 

**By TempestXtreme**

**Disclaimer: I own my own characters and nothing else.**

Eve walked out on stage, wearing her usual black jeans/black kimono/black boots/black gloves outfit. She smiled and waved at the guests, not really minding when some of the men wolf-whistled. She knew she was, for lack of a better term, hot. Working out for 5 hours straight every day really paid off. 

"Welcome to the TempestXtreme Talk Show! Here's your host, Tempest!"

Tempest walked on stage, and waved to the audience. "Welcome to my show! Today we're…"

A bright flash of light caught his attention, and he turned to face…

…Lashana, a grinning Lashana and an equally grinning Telca standing next to her. The only thing he could come up with was… "HOLY SHIT! GHOSTS!!"

With that, the mighty Tempest fell over in a dead faint.

*-*-*-*-*

"Chicken-Boy? HEY TEMPEST! WAKE THE HELL UP!!"

Tempest would've had to be dead not to hear Telca's scream. He opened his eyes, and found that he was staring right into Telca's purple eyes. _Gotta make sure…_

Tempest stood up and slapped Telca, receiving not only a glare but also a right hook. _OK_, OW! "Should've known that you two were too damn stubborn to die."

Telca continued to glare at him. "Why did you slap me?!" she asked, her eyes amber. Tempest shrugged.

"To make sure that you weren't a ghost."

"Wuss." Lashana grinned as she left the camera guy alone long enough to wave at Tempest. "Heyla Chicken-Boy! Did'ya miss us?"

"No."

"Har, har, very funny." Telca _glared _at him. Tempest ignored it.

Tempest grinned. "I know, wasn't it?"

"Dad don't aggravate the insane sorceresses," Eve said. "It's bad for your health."

Tempest rolled his eyes. "All right, all right. Hey, where's the guest?"

"Soi? She ran into those two." Eve pointed at Lashana and Telca. "She ran off so fast that I there was a trail of fire behind her."

Tempest sighed. "And the other guests?"

"Haven't arrived yet."

"Damn."

"Guests are here!" Frank, the stage manager, looked at Tempest and seemed relieved. "Oh good, you're awake."

Tempest sighed. "Good. Maybe now I can have a good show." He looked at the two Sorceresses. "You can watch from backstage, just don't blow up the studio. The shields probably wouldn't be able to stand the Dragon Slaves and the Flare Arrows."

The glares that they sent him could have melted glass. Actually, after he was gone, some poor stage person was walking by while they were still glaring at Tempest – the tray of glasses that he was holding melted into a small pool in the tray. 

He ran off screaming.

*-*-*-*-*

"Sorry about that, folks," Tempest said. "I was just overcome by the sudden reappearance of my friends. Anyway, since our first guest ran off, we'll introduce our next guest: Leonardo Di Caprio!"

Leo came on stage, waving – not expecting the hail of Fireballs, Flare Arrows and Freeze Bleed spells that were sent his way by the all-male, all-sorcerer audience. 

"ACK! I'm outta here!" 

He ran out of the studio, his hair having been frozen and then set alight. Tempest fell over, laughing. "WUSS!"

Eve cackled. "THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO TRY AND PICK ME UP!!!"

*-*-*-*-*

Lashana and Telca looked at each other. "Well, he hasn't gotten any less insane," Lashana said.

"Or cruel towards certain people," Telca replied, grinning. "I pity Leo, though, trying to pick Eve up. He had this coming."

"True."

"Our next guest is…Ricki Martin!"

"RICKI MARTIN?!"

*-*-*-*-*

Ricki Martin was on stage for a whole minute before he had Eve beating him into the ground. "I HATE YOU! YOU LITTLE LATIN PIECE OF SHIT! YOU'RE NOT SEXY YOU PANSY!!!"

Tempest managed to pry his daughter off of the Latin superstar long enough for him to escape the studio – covered in cuts, blood and bruises. Eve sent a few Freeze Arrows after him, missing her target and freezing the next guest – who just happened to be Xellos. "Oops."

Tempest sighed and turned to the audience. "I guess that's all for today," he said. "Join us next time!"

As the screen faded out…

"Lashana-chan! Telca-chan!"

"RA-TILT!"

"CRUCIO!"

"He doesn't look too good."

"Eve, do we really care?"

"Nope."

"Hell no."

"That's what I thought."

The End ^_^ 


	5. Eppy 5 ^_^

**The TempestXtreme Talk Show!**

**Cartoon mayhem!**

**By TempestXtreme**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own characters.**

Eve walked out on stage and waved to the audience. "Welcome to the TempestXtreme Talk Show! Here's your host, Tempest!"

Tempest walked out on stage and waved. "I have some happy news!" he said. "Last night, Rebecca gave birth to a baby boy! I have a son!"

Crickets chirped. And then Lashana came out from backstage and gave Tempest a rib-crushing hug. "Congratulations, Chicken-Boy!" she said. 

"Lashana…I need to…breathe!!" 

"Whoops, sorry."

"Gees, when did you get so strong??"

Lashana shrugged. "I've always been strong."

"Oh, right. Elven strength," Tempest said. "Anyway, I need to get on with the show."

Lashana nodded and went backstage. "Still, this is good news."

_This coming from somebody who can't stand babies…_

Tempest turned back to the audience. "Our first guests, Ed, Edd and Eddy!"

More crickets chirped, and then, in one voice, the audience said: "WHAT?!"

Tempest glanced at Eve, who just shrugged. ~Told you they'd be shocked,~ she said mentally. 

_"Yeah, yeah…" _Tempest replied in thought. 

*-*-*-*-*-*

Lashana glanced at Telca. "He really is nuts."

"Why? Because he's invited those three idiots onto his show?"

"Well, yeah."

"Oh come on, it'll entertaining."

"True."

*-*-*-*-*-*

"My yeast is rising!"

Tempest glanced at Ed, his eyebrow raised. "Rrrrrrriiiiiight…"

"Oh my, this place is clean!" Edd said, looking around the studio. 

Eddy just sat there, looking bored and gazing at the audience, belatedly wondering if he could con them out their money. "This stinks!"

"Yeah, kinda like your plans," Tempest said under his breath. Then, he turned to the Ed's, and smiled. "Welcome to my show!"

"The oranges are rebelling!" Ed said, grinning stupidly.

"It's nice to be here," Edd said. 

"Yeah, yeah," Eddy said in a bored tone. Tempest shrugged. 

"First question!" he said. "Double-D! What's with your obsession about cleanliness?"

Edd blinked. "What??" he asked. 

Tempest grinned – he was kind of sadistic when he asked these kinds of questions. "You heard me."

Edd blinked again. "Well, cleanliness is next to godliness, so they say…"

"Did you know that there are bacteria in your digestive tract that help you digest food?" Tempest asked, grinning.

"There are WHAT?!!?" Edd stood up and started running around the stage in a blind panic, until he ran off of the stage and landed…right on top of Xellos. 

"Hello there!" 

"AAAAAAAH!!!" 

Tempest chuckled as Xellos chased Edd around the stage. _I love this job!_

~That was cruel, Dad.~

_"So I don't like that guy. So sue me."_

~I just might.~

Tempest rolled his eyes, and noticed that Eddy was trying to sneak away. "Oh no you don't!" 

Tempest opened a portal directly underneath the poor guy and sent him right into Rebecca's room, knowing damn well that she was going to toss the poor guy (and him, later) into a wall, but he just didn't really care. Lastly, he turned to Ed, who was chewing on the chair. _I knew that he wasn't too bright, but he's eating my furniture!_

"Hey Ed! Play with this!" Eve said, tossing a small incendiary grenade to him.

"Oh cool! An egg!" Ed said, seconds before the grenade blew up, sending him flying through a wall. Tempest glanced at Eve, who smirked.

"He had that coming," she said. Tempest chuckled.

*-*-*-*

Lashana and Telca were way too busy wondering when Tempest had developed this sadistic streak to say anything. 

*-*-*-*

Tempest cackled as he rounded up the three Ed's and planted them all in the middle of the stage. He grinned as he tied them all up in a red bow and placed a heart on their chests. 

"Oh girls!" he said. "Your boyfriends are waiting for you!!"

Seconds later, the Canker Sisters rushed out on stage and started kissing the Ed's before forcing them to eat their cooking. 

Tempest burst out laughing.

*-*-*-*

"Um, any idea when he developed this evil streak?" Lashana asked, glancing at her friend and doing a double take when she saw Telca holding a video camera up and _taping _the entire scene. She brought her hand up to her forehead in an exasperated smack. "Oy…"

*-*-*-*

Tempest grinned and opened a portal beneath the group of guests and sent them all into the Canker sisters' trailer, grinning at the combined screams of horror and screeches of joy that he heard seconds before the portal closed. He turned to say goodbye to the audience, blinking when he saw that they had all run away. 

"What'd I do??"

The End 


	6. Eppy 6 *hehe*

**The TempestXtreme Talk Show!**

**Quick! Somebody call security! _BANG!! _Oh, never mind! ^_^**

**By TempestXtreme**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing in this show except my own characters. Lashana and Telca belong to Lashana and Telca and Robert belongs to Robert.**

**_BANG!! _**

****

"Arigato!"

"Robert!!"

"He was sneaking up on you!!"

Eve sighed. Men. So overprotective. "Fine, fine, fine…" she said. "Just don't blow up the studio. I doubt that the shields could cope with your Ki attacks."

Robert grinned. Eve sighed again and was about to leave, except that Robert glomped her. "Uh, I have to start the show…"

She turned to look at him. "I love you, you know that, right?" he asked. 

Eve nodded. "Of course I do!" she said. "Why wouldn't I?"

"I can be an idiot at times."

"You're male. It comes with the territory."

"Oh gee, thanks."

Eve smirked. "No problem. Now let go, I need to start the show."

Robert let her go and she gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before heading for the stage. "And don't get into a fight with Lashana or Telca! I want to marry a person, not a pile of ash!"

Robert smirked. "I can take care of myself!"

Eve chuckled. "Sure, big guy, I know. But Lashana and Telca can outmatch my dad!"

Robert blinked, and then: "WHAT?!"

*-*-*-*-*-*

"Hello and welcome to the TempestXtreme Talk Show! Here's your host, Tempest!"

The sounds of a baby crying could be heard backstage, and then Tempest came out on stage and waved. "Hello and welcome to my show! Today, we're…"

"TEMPEST GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE AND SHUT THIS BABY UP!!" the screaming voice belonged to Telca – only she could reach that volume without the need of a megaphone.

Eve looked at her father in shock. "YOU LEFT MY BABY BROTHER WITH THOSE PSYCHOS?!" 

With that, she vanished backstage and the crying noises stopped. Tempest turned back to the audience and smiled weakly. "Uh, it's my turn to look after my son, Samuel," he said. "Well, anyway, today we're interviewing people from random dimensions!"

"WHAT?!" came Lashana's scream. "ARE YOU NUTS?!"

Tempest chuckled. "In a word: YES!"

He chuckled again when he heard a few 'dirty' words coming from backstage. "HEY! KIDS MIGHT BE WATCHING THIS SHOW!"

Eve stuck her head out from backstage. "Actually, we did a survey about that. Most of the kids are so afraid of your insanity that they'd rather watch Xellos belly dance than watch this show." 

Tempest grumbled. "They have no taste."

He sighed and signalled for Frank to cut to a commercial.

*-*-*-*-*-*

During the commercial, Tempest opened a portal and grinned when Jean-Luc Picard fell out of it. "Where the devil am I?"

"Trivadia."

He jumped up and turned to look at Tempest. "Who the blazes are you?!"

"Tempest, and you're on Trivadia!"

"Trivadia? Wait a minute, you're HUMAN!"

"Uh, yeah," Tempest said. "What? You were expecting a Klingon or something?"

"Well, I…" Picard said. "Well, yes!"

"Well, you're wrong! And we've had a run in with that Q character, too. Annoying prick. I tried to feed him to a dragon; he gave the poor thing indigestion!"

"DRAGONS?!"

"Yeah. And Elves, and Dwarves…and Orcs, too."

Picard blinked. "Just how did I get here?"

"Trans-dimensional portal. You're in a whole other dimension."

"What? A different DIMENSION?? And what's a trans-dimensional portal?"

"Uh-huh. A trans-dimensional portal is a magical portal that leads into sub-space and allows people to travel ANYWHERE in a matter of seconds."

"There's no such thing as magic."

Tempest held up a fireball. "What do you call this?"

He fainted.

"Oops."

*-*-*-*-*

"He awake yet?"

"He's waking up! Lashana, don't shock him. He doesn't believe in magic or Elves either. Uh oh, I know that look…"

"YO PICARD! WAKE THE HELL UP!!!"

Picard bolted awake and belatedly wondered when the ringing in his ears would stop. 

"Telca…" Tempest said. The sorceress smiled innocently.

"What? He's awake isn't he?!"

"And probably deaf." Eve sighed and turned to him. "Don't mind them. They're insane. Hi, I'm Eve."

Picard stood up. "I'm…" he began.

"Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship U.S.S Enterprise. We know." Eve smiled. "In this dimension, and most others, you and your crew are characters in a T.V show and numerous books that have thousands of fans."

"A T.V SHOW?!"

"Yes."

He fainted again, and Tempest brought his hand up to his forehead in an exasperated smack. "Oh gods…Somebody get the smelling salts! Even better! YO ROBERT!"

"WHAT?!"

"Come here and breathe on Picard! Your garlic breath should wake him up!"

"OH SHUT UP!!"

Tempest chuckled, stopping when Eve glared at him. "What? I was kidding!"

"He does NOT have garlic breath!"

"How would you know?" Telca asked. Eve looked at her and raised an eyebrow. "Oh. Right."

Tempest resorted to the oldest method of waking somebody up. "Aqua Create!" 

"What??" Picard sputtered, as he was drenched in ice-cold water. 

"Hi!" Tempest said. "You ready to be interviewed now?"

"Interviewed? What do you mean  'interviewed'?"

"Hello! Talk Show, you're the guest, I'm the host. I ask you questions…get it?"

"Oh, fine."

"Great! Just one thing."

"What?"

Tempest chuckled as he created a wind around Picard and dried him off. "There! All dry!"

*-*-*-*-*-*

"Welcome back! Here's our one and only guest for today: Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise!"

Picard walked on stage, smiled and sat down. "I'm happy to be here."

"It's better than being on that flying saucer of yours," Tempest said, grinning. "Anyway, first question: Why are you so…proper? It's not natural!"

"I am an officer and a gentleman!" Picard said. 

"Nooo, you're an old man with no sense of humour."

Picard glared at him, and Tempest shrugged and opened a portal underneath him and sent him right back to his ship. "Old grump."

*-*-*-*-*-*

"Sir! Where have you been?" Riker asked as Picard landed right in the middle of the bridge.

"You don't want to know. Warp 9, Mr. Crusher. Get us away from here."

"Yes sir."

**The End!!!**


	7. Eppy 7 - Those South Park Brats get what...

**The TempestXtreme Talk Show!**

**AH! It's coming right for us!!**

**By TempestXtreme**

**NOTE: This episode is rated R for language and violence (hell, this is South Park we're talking about here! What did you expect?)**

**Disclaimer: I own only my own characters – the little brats from South Park belong to the deranged idiots that created them.**

Tempest walked on stage and waved. "Welcome to my show! Eve's not here 'cause she's on her honeymoon!"

"Where?"

"Hawaii, why… Uh oh."

Tempest paled as Xellos vanished from where he was standing. _Oh crap. _

A portal opened seconds later, and Xellos came running out of it with an entire army of robotic Barney dolls at his heels. He stared for a moment before bursting out laughing. Xellos glared at him for a moment before teleporting away from the Barney dolls. Tempest wiped a tear away just as Eve's head appeared out of the portal. "How did the Freak find out where we were??!"

"I accidentally told him," Tempest said. He ducked the Kamehameha that Robert sent his way. "Ha! Missed!"

Eve glared at him before being pulled back by Robert, and the portal closed again. 

"Arigato!" 

"Huh? ACK!"

Xellos was wriggling around on the floor, having been hit by Robert's Kamehameha. Tempest shuddered and set the Barney dolls on him again. Then he turned back to the audience. "Well, anyway, today we're interviewing those little brats from South Park!"

The audience blinked and crickets chirped.

Backstage, Lashana let off a scream of rage and sent a fireball at Tempest, not bothered when he ducked it and let it fry the camera guy. 

"It's MY show!" Tempest said. "I can interview whoever the hell I want!"

"THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I HAVE TO LIKE IT!!"

Tempest sighed and signalled for a commercial break.

*-*-*-*-*-*

The new announcer looked nervous. Why? Simple: the item he was advertising was the newest type of explosive that Tempest's personal luna – er, scientists – had cooked up for the common person. 

"This is the…" 

**_BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**

*-*-*-*-*-*

"Welcome back to our show!" Tempest said. "Here are our guests, those kids from South Park!"

Stanley, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman were sitting down comfortably.

Of course, they had nothing clean to say.

"This place is fuckin' cool!" 

"It's bigger than Cartman's fat ass!"

Kenny mumbled, the others laughed; Tempest blinked, scratched his head and looked confused. "You UNDERSTOOD that?!"

"Of course we did you stupid piece of shit," Cartman said. "What's wrong? Is the crack you smoked this morning affecting your brain?"

They laughed.

Tempest got pissed and blasted the studio with a thunder blast…and Kenny got fried by about 10 000 volts of electricity. 

"Oh my god! They killed Kenny!" Kyle said.

"You bastard!"

Cartman laughed, and got hit in the face by a fireball. Tempest grinned. "Thanks Lashana!"

"No problem!"

Cartman was about to say something else, but Tempest cut him off by opening a portal directly under him and sending him and his friends to Xellos. He grinned when he heard them scream moments later. 

"That's all for today, folks!" he said, turning to the audience and stopping when he saw that they were all stunned from his Thunder Blast. "Oops."

The End ^_^ 


	8. Eppy 8

**The TempestXtreme Talk Show!**

**Oh dear gods…**

**By TempestXtreme**

Tempest walked on stage and waved to the audience. "Hello and welcome to my show! Today, we're interviewing none other than the Lord of Nightmares, L-Sama!"

**And I'm happy to be here. **

"ACCCCK!!!" Tempest jumped and faced the Chaos Goddess. "Don't do that! Uh, I mean…" 

**I'm not offended; don't worry.**

Backstage, Lashana and Telca were howling with laughter. Tempest was not impressed. "BE QUIET OR I'LL STRIP REMY AND BLACKY AND TOSS 'EM BOTH TO XELLOS!!"

"Do that and I'll order Xellos to pester Eve!"

Tempest snapped. "DON'T YOU DARE!!!"

The entire studio shook, and crickets chirped. Then: "We fear you not!"

Tempest raised his hand to his forehead in an exasperated smack. "I can't win."

**So I've noticed, **L-Sama said.

Tempest sighed and looked at her. "You can sit down if you want to."

**Thank you. **

L-Sama sat down in one of the chairs, and Tempest sighed and got his cards ready. "Glad to have you here, L-Sama. First question: What's with that shovel??"

**It represents the Ragna Blade.**

"Uh, how?" 

Tempest shouldn't have asked her that question.

_WHACK!!!_

**That's how. **

Of course, Tempest didn't hear her because he was currently unconscious on the other side of the studio. 

**I think I hit him too hard, **L-Sama said, looking at him closely. She turned to Lashana. **Will he be all right?**

Lashana shrugged. "He'll live."

**Oh. OK then. **

*-*-*-*-*-*

Rebecca clobbered the guard over the head with the hilt of her sword and went over to the studio – the stage manager had called and told her that Tempest had just been rendered unconscious by L-Sama. _Why am I not surprised? _She reached the studio and took the microphone and went onstage. 

"Welcome back! I'll be continuing the interview with L-Sama, since my husband is currently comatose."

She turned to L-Sama and smiled. "Hello. All right, second question: if destroying the Slayers Universe will make you whole again, why don't you?"

L-Sama sighed. **Because doing that would mean that I would have to destroy all that I have created. My power cannot only destroy, but it can also create, thus I must remain incomplete so that my creations may live on. **

Rebecca nodded. "I see," she said. "Why did you and Gaia make Avatars?"

**We were bored.**

Rebecca blinked. "Is that the only reason?"

**Basically: yes.**

Rebecca blinked a few times. "Uh, OK. Well, we're out of time for today! See you next time on the TempestXtreme Talk Show!"

Just as the screen faded out, some idiot went and wolf-whistled Rebecca. He got smacked in the face by a camera and L-Sama's shovel.

**The End ^_^**


	9. Grand Finale

**The TempestXtreme Talk Show!!**

**Da Grand Finale!!**

**By TempestXtreme**

Rebecca walked out on stage and waved to the audience. "Welcome to the TempestXtreme Talk Show! Here's your host, Tempest!"

Tempest walked out on stage and waved. "Hello and welcome to my show! Today is our final episode, as I am retiring from show business. So our guests today will be guests from past episodes!"

The audience sat in stunned silence. 

"Gees, you'd think that I told them that I'm dying…" Tempest said. 

"You're DYING?!"

Tempest jumped in shock. "NO!"

"Oh, never mind then!"

Tempest sighed. "Our first guest, from Final Fantasy 9, Kuja!"

Kuja came on stage and sat down, looking as if he were planning something devious. _Like what? To take over every single cheese company and raise the price of cheese?_

"Welcome to my show!" Tempest said. "So! What have you been doing since you were last on the show?"

"Taking over the cheese companies and raising the price of cheese!"

"WHAT?!" Tempest twitched, and Kuja blinked.

"What did I say?" he asked.

"Nothing," Tempest said. "Nothing at all…"

Rebecca chuckled, although she had no idea what her husband had been thinking. "Somehow I think that you asked for that," she said, smirking. 

Tempest tried to glare at her, but failed. He could never be truly angry with Rebecca – she was just too damned beautiful, kind and sweet! He turned back to Kuja.

"Aside from raising the price of cheese, what else have you been doing?"

"Planning global domination," Kuja said casually. Tempest raised an eyebrow.

"Then I have to do this," he said. Kuja looked at him. 

"What?"

Tempest pulled out his fusion cannon and grinned. "Bye! Thanks for being on my show!" he said, and fired the cannon – he missed and hit the stage manager. "Oops."

Kuja laughed. "Ha! You can't aim!"

_POW!!!_

Kuja was sent flying when Tempest calmly grabbed a camera and used it like a baseball bat and slammed it into Kuja's face.

"Didn't miss that time, did I?" Tempest smirked and tossed the camera behind him, not bothered when it hit an audience member. He turned and grinned.

"Our next guest is…" he paused for effect. "Ultimecia!"

"WHAT?!?!" Rebecca _glared _at her husband. "AGAIN!?"

"Yes, I am here!"

Ultimecia sat down and smirked at Rebecca. "Hello, Rebecca. How are you going to hurt me now? You don't have any magick anymore!"

Rebecca smiled. "No, but I do have super-strength."

"What?"

Rebecca ripped one of the support beams from the ground and slammed it over Ultimecia's head as hard as she could, resulting in a comatose sorceress. 

"Bitch." Rebecca calmly tossed the pole behind her, and the pole hit the same audience member that got hit by the camera.

"Uh, Rebecca? You just ripped the _main _support pillar out of the ground," said Tempest, just as the studio started to show signs of collapsing.

"Oops."

_CRAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHH!!!_

"Well, I wanted to end the show off spectacularly…"

"Bye folks! It's been fun!"

**The End….?**


End file.
